an identity crisis in layers
even at my big age, my personality and/or identity is still such a struggle to figure out. it's what im most insecure about and what has held me back from success in careers and friendships.. it makes me lack confidence and im constantly comparing myself to others thus robbing myself of joy. as they say.
but there's like an added layer to it. for example, my customer service self or who i am in a professional office setting (my job) is not me. it is a facade of what i think a person should behave like when they're at work. i don't inject any part of who i really am into that person so i end up feeling fraudulent and exhausted by the end of the day. i just try to mirror what others are presenting to me. but like, im the only one saying that that version of myself isn't me. based on what? what if the personality i put on at work is who i am, just tailored to that environment? what is it about that self that i reject as unnatural? is it the fatigue that comes at the end of the day or is that just part of being introverted? it could be both? is it the lack of consistency between interactions with different people?
right now i don't really know who i am because i live alone and have no friends so i don't interact with people in a casual setting. i don't have a baseline to compare to. how do you build a self with no feedback? like a lone tree in a remote forest, am i someone if no one is around?
if i can be vulnerable right now, the only time i have ever felt comfortable in my own mind was with my ex boyfriend. the ending of that relationship has been pretty detrimental to this whole battle because i didn't just lose him, i lost myself too. i lost the version of me who didn't care. who could behave in a way that was true to me but inappropriate in other social settings. being with him was healing and invigorating.
anyway, i have had this struggle for as long as i can remember and i imagine it will probably continue for the rest of my life. i just wish i wasn't so fucking tired all the time.